It’s the strangest feeling when I’m burning to share my thoughts and feelings (knowing that in doing so, someone on this planet will identify with my words and not feel so alone) and then going to write and nothing comes out because of fear. What if they judge me? Some will. So what? What if no one wants to hear what I have to say? Some won’t. Others will. Who are you to decide for them and hold back your insights? And it’s like an alarm goes off- you may not bare your soul to strangers!
I just read a blog post about a woman who is spiritual and deals with her own depression. I don’t want to admit it, but here goes. I deal with depression, too. I’m so afraid to face it sometimes because what does that say about me as a lightworker? If I’m on this blissful spiritual path, shouldn’t I be happy all the time? Well, I’m coming to terms with the reality that while my soul is eternally at bliss, my personality resides in my experience here on planet Earth, and it is an emotional roller coaster!
Sometimes I’m riding the wave of momentum and serendipity, feeling confident in my ability to manifest my desires. Other times I’m mired in negativity, trudging through the sticky, thick gunk, some of it mine and some of it others’. Life is a flow of expansion and contraction. Expansion is so awesome! I feel so great, so positive and relevant, connected. The contractions leave me tensing and holding on to… anything! And that anything is usually negativity and stuff that no longer serves me, but feels familiar. It’s like I panic and go into default mode. Although I know the Truth is that once we make a spiritual leap, we don’t go backwards unless we abandon our awareness. And when you are in awareness, as a sensitive soul, you are painfully aware that the bliss you felt yesterday is eluding you today! But that doesn’t mean you’re going backwards.
This recent bout of depression started after a month of trying to be Supermom. In-laws were visiting from out of town (on two separate visits). I threw three separate birthday parties to accommodate the visitors’ schedules and also to accommodate my family members between divorces and who’s not taking to whom. I felt the need to bake a gluten free cake for each party, too. All the while, hubby was having a challenging time at work navigating the uncertainties of the company’s transitions. (I was unconsciously taking on his burden, too.) My period snuck up on me and I was ambushed by PMS! Then my son got sick, and so did I. Naturally I had to slow down, I didn’t go to the gym, and bam! The onslaught of not-good-enoughs, shoulds, I wishes, why-am-I-not-there-yets?
With a little time, being extra gentle to myself and getting back to gym helped me get my spirits back up. My naturopath gave me some homeopathic anxiety drops, which are helping a lot.
So, there it is. I openly admitted it. I’m human. Hahaha. In the midst of the blues I start thinking, how am I being an example of spiritual living? Maybe I’m a fraud. Maybe you find yourself thinking the same thing? Well, my Love, we are not frauds. We are human. We are experiencing the contrasts of this world, processing and releasing, and navigating the ups and downs of life. So, if you feel down, take heart and know you’re not going backwards on your journey. It’s not proof of anything except a testament to your humanity.
Until next time, my friends.
Live in the Light!
All my Love,